The Truth of the Apocalypse

It came to us last night. The apocalypse has nothing to do with Heaven and Hell.

It all started years and years ago when Santa was looking for where he should set up his workshop. Should he go to the North Pole where they have flying reindeer? Or should he venture south to the South Pole, home of the flying penguins? (Yes they do fly, but more on that later).

Well Santa, he ended up picking the North Pole, like we all know. And I have to tell you, the penguins were pretty pissed off about it. Now this rage was building up and the penguins realized they needed a plan, a plan that would bring Santa down to them. But what to do? Well the penguins called together a penguin-y conference and they tried to figure out the pros and cons to the North and South Poles.

The obvious pro for South vs. North is that the South pole is actually a continent and made out of land whereas the North is just ice. So why not melt the ice? Yes folks, the penguins of the South Pole are behind what we refer to as Global Warming.

But they knew that the humans would catch on so they needed a cover story. Something they would believe. One day, they were flipping throught the channels and came across the Christmas episode of Pinky and the Brain, you know, the one that would have worked but Brain developed a soft spot for Pinky. Well penguins are heartless after being snubbed by Santa so they know that that would not be an issue.

They wanted to test their mind control device so they pulled one random human (who had some power in the world): Al Gore. They controlled his mind, made him believe in global warming and sent him off to film An Inconvienent Truth. Now that the humans believed in the Global Warming myth, the penguins could continue to slowly melt the North Pole while developing more and more mind controlling devices. They had now branched their goals to not only being the new location and team for Santa but also world domination.

To make the latter easier they put out two movies: Happy Feet and March of the Penguins. The mind control device would be a stuffed penguin.

Once the north pole melts Santa would need to look for a new location. He cannot pick any country (well maybe Canada) because then wars would break out. So the penguins feel they have a good shot.

The problem is, is that the reindeer are becoming aware of the penguins dastardly plan and they plan to retaliate with the help of the polar bears. The penguins also know about this, but they have timed everything perfectly so that their mind control devices will be in place around the world by the time the polar bears and reindeer can organize themselves after the North Pole melts.

This means: Epic battle between the polar bears/reindeers and the penguins with their mindless human zombies.

The only possible outcome is total death and destruction to every life force on the planet except for puppies because they are just too darn adorable to do any harm to. (Michael Vick will be sacrificed by the penguins early on).

Batter up!

After our post from last night we each decided that we could create a baseball team that would beat the other one's assk! So here they are:

Up first is the Obaminators:

Mascot: Obama (as played by Oprah) Who could have more mass appeal than a combination of these two? With Obama on their side the Obaminators represent hope and the ability to crush much older opponents (especially if said opponents run with ditzy chicks... just saying...).

Manager: Dumbledore! A manager is someone who needs experience and has a good sense of planning ahead... like say if the Dark Lord is coming back next week, count on Dumbledore to plan his own death with Snape!

Pitcher: Robin Hood. A pitcher has to have deadly accuracy and the ability to fire really random pitches.

Catcher: The Great Gonzo. A Catcher can tend to take a beating. It is also one of the more painful positions (trust me, squatting for that long is not fun). So who better than someone who will enjoy the pain!

1st Baseman: James Bond. The 1st Baseman gets a lot of action. Coincidently so does James Bond.

2nd Baseman: Hooey. See Short Stop.

3rd Baseman: Dewey. See Short Stop.

Short Stop: Louie. These three positions need to work together. And what with Hooey, Dewey, and Louie's mad marble skills they are the perfect team!

Left Field: Superman. Outfield needs someone who can move quickly, throw far, and be accurate in more ways than one. (Also, having the ability to fly around the Earth really quick to undo a play is not bad either).

Center Field: The Flash. The Center fielder has to back up both of the other fielders so it helps if they are really fast.

Right Field: The Great Pumpkin. If you have Superman and the Flash working the outfield you really don't need a third person. But at least it's a good distraction ("Look! It's the great pumpkin! Someone get Linus!!").

Designated Hitter: Wile E. Coyote. Designated Hitter doesn't necessarily need accuracy, they just need to hit the ball far... with supplies from ACME.

VERSUS

The Inquisitors!

Mascot: The Spanish Inquisition (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHGOl-jfUK0) as played by Deadpool. He already wears red. And if there was a mad screaming fan with a gun, wouldn't you want them on your side?

Manager: The Batman. If he can plan a way to defeat every member of the Justice League he will always plan this team a way to victory.

Pitcher: Yoda. He might not be tall, but with the use of the force that ball can have any kind of spin on it by the time it gets over the plate.

Catcher: Wolverine. Short. Low to the Ground. And extra appendages to signal with. Also, people would fear sliding into home what with those sharp claws.

1st Baseman: Droopy Dog. Not the biggest target, but he always seems to be there. No matter what.

2nd Baseman: Robin. 2nd Baseman needs to be able to back up the 1st Baseman or Short Stop. And no one backs up better than Robin (Just ask the Manager).

3rd Baseman: Captain America. Needed a man with an accurate arm. The person at the peak of human perfection sounds good for the job.

Short Stop: Night Crawler. BAMF! How did he wind up on 2nd with the ball...?

Left Field: The Spot. The ability to make inter-dimensional portals appear would be great for dropping the ball and forcing an out on the infield.

Center Field: Mr. Fantastic. Center field needs to be able to cover a lot of area. And Reed Richards can be able to cover the entire center field at once!

Right Field: Doctor Octopus. See Center Field.

Designated Hitter: Jesus. Who better to save the team when they really need him?

There you go. There are our teams. Who do you think will win?

In a Perfect World...

In a perfect world we think the following Cabinet positions should be held by*:

Secretary of Homeland Security: Droopy Dog, "Because no one, no one would make. us. mad."

Secretary of Veterans' Affairs: The World War 1 Flying Ace, because who would be better than someone who fought the Red Baron himself?

Secretary of Education: Owl (from Winnie the Pooh), because as you know his great uncle he happened to be one of the very first barn owls to, oh, well you already know all about this...

Secretary of Energy: The Tasmanian Devil, if he can keep spinning he probably can keep our turbines going.

Secretary of Transportation: Road Runner, because the word "road" is in his name.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Gopher (from Winnie the Pooh), the structures might not be secure, but god dammit they will be built!

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Pop Eye the Sailor Man, "EAT YOUR SPINACH!"

Secretary of Labor: Robin Hood, who would be better for speaking on behalf of the masses?

Secretary of Commerce: Brain, because he is a genius. Duh. (And his friends are insane. Just your typical business man).

Secretary of Agriculture: Rabbit (from Winnie the Pooh), he will keep pests out of every garden of America (including Tiggers).

Secretary of the Interior: Pocahontas, she helped us once with relations with the natives, she could do it again. And who better to run our national parks, man?

Attorney General: Arnold (from Hey Arnold!), he stands up for what he believes in while still following the rules. And he's Arnold. So he is just plain awesome.

Secretary of Defense: Pepe le Pew, he can embrace the world in peace and love and still manage to keep our enemies away. (We would have put "repulse" but that would have been a little harsh for his feelings).

Secretary of Treasury: Scrooge McDuck, with him in charge of our money we will never have another financial crisis, because all of our money will be stored away in the government's vault.

Secretary of State: Donald Duck, Everyone loves Donald Duck, it would improve our relations everywhere.

Vice President: Mark Anthony (see clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OO2FeEal0W4) the tough guy who still has our best interests in mind.

President: Pinky. Narf Point! 'Nuff said.

*We decided in order to have a perfectly run world it could only be run by cartoons.

Two Minds are Dirtier than One

So to start this thing off with a bang...

We discovered that anything can be dirty taken out of context. This includes Disney movies! So if you don't mind ruining your childhood please continue reading and see how we summarized/characterized some of Disney's finest!

Snow White:

Woman leaves home to live with seven men.

Pinocchio:

Every time he lies, his wood grows longer.

Fantasia:

Crocodiles try to lay Hippopotami.

Dumbo:

Getting drunk will make you forget how you got there.

Bambi:

Girl goes for boy with big horns.

Excited best friend can't control his thumping.

Three Cabellaros:

Three best friends chase Latin American tail.

Cinderella:

Woman's magic only works late at night.

Woman's friends fit in tight spaces.

Old woman makes a young woman's pumpkins grow.

Men only like women who have huge... pumpkins.

Woman leaves job of tending to lots of cocks.

Alice in Wonderland:

Woman plunges down long hole; surprises await.

Woman cannot get flamingo straight and firm.

Peter Pan:

Young woman goes to an Island of boys.

Lady and the Tramp:

'nuff said.

Sleeping Beauty:

One prick can really knock a girl out.

One Hundred and One Dalmatians:

Married couple steals over 80 children.

Where did those dalmatians come from anyway?

The Sword and the Stone:

Young boy pulls out huge sword. (Crowd impressed with huge sword).

Old man puts himself in old woman.

The Jungle Book:

Bear loves boy. Jaguar loves boy. Tiger wants boy. Fighting ensues!

Aristocats:

Duchess wakes up naked in a strange place.

Robin Hood:

Help the poor and the rich will help you.

Marian likes Robin for his straight, long arrow.

The Rescuers:

To remove large diamond: apply moisture.

The Great Mouse Detective:

Little girl finds comfort with two older men.

One man's pussy is another man's peril.

Oliver and Company:

Man steals girl's pussy... cat.

The Little Mermaid:

Woman learns to spread her legs.

The Rescuers Down Under:

Old man captures boy who eventually caves and gives him what he wants.

Beauty and the Beast:

Woman becomes friends with candlestick.

Woman likes big monstrous men.

Aladdin:

Rubbing a lamp gives you whatever pleasures you desire.

Boy and his monkey find the right woman.

The Lion King:

Slimy... yet satisfying.

One pounce can lead to love tonight.

Pocahontas:

Man becomes friendly with furry woodland creatures.

Girl and grandmother toy with boy.

Grandma slaps two young men in the ass.

Men refuse to let go of their guns.

Toy Story:

Andy stops playing with his Woody.

Hercules:

Man grows larger to impress father.

No matter how hard he tries, man cannot impress father.

Boy pulls his step father after his ass is injured.

Mulan:

Woman dresses as man to seduce another man.

Men don't recognize naked woman when they see one.

Tarzan:

Woman is impressed by man's apes.

Toy Story 2:

Buzz finds Andy's Woody.

If anyone does read this and comes up with their own synopsis of these or any Disney movies please leave us a comment!