The Truth of the Apocalypse

It came to us last night. The apocalypse has nothing to do with Heaven and Hell.

It all started years and years ago when Santa was looking for where he should set up his workshop. Should he go to the North Pole where they have flying reindeer? Or should he venture south to the South Pole, home of the flying penguins? (Yes they do fly, but more on that later).

Well Santa, he ended up picking the North Pole, like we all know. And I have to tell you, the penguins were pretty pissed off about it. Now this rage was building up and the penguins realized they needed a plan, a plan that would bring Santa down to them. But what to do? Well the penguins called together a penguin-y conference and they tried to figure out the pros and cons to the North and South Poles.

The obvious pro for South vs. North is that the South pole is actually a continent and made out of land whereas the North is just ice. So why not melt the ice? Yes folks, the penguins of the South Pole are behind what we refer to as Global Warming.

But they knew that the humans would catch on so they needed a cover story. Something they would believe. One day, they were flipping throught the channels and came across the Christmas episode of Pinky and the Brain, you know, the one that would have worked but Brain developed a soft spot for Pinky. Well penguins are heartless after being snubbed by Santa so they know that that would not be an issue.

They wanted to test their mind control device so they pulled one random human (who had some power in the world): Al Gore. They controlled his mind, made him believe in global warming and sent him off to film An Inconvienent Truth. Now that the humans believed in the Global Warming myth, the penguins could continue to slowly melt the North Pole while developing more and more mind controlling devices. They had now branched their goals to not only being the new location and team for Santa but also world domination.

To make the latter easier they put out two movies: Happy Feet and March of the Penguins. The mind control device would be a stuffed penguin.

Once the north pole melts Santa would need to look for a new location. He cannot pick any country (well maybe Canada) because then wars would break out. So the penguins feel they have a good shot.

The problem is, is that the reindeer are becoming aware of the penguins dastardly plan and they plan to retaliate with the help of the polar bears. The penguins also know about this, but they have timed everything perfectly so that their mind control devices will be in place around the world by the time the polar bears and reindeer can organize themselves after the North Pole melts.

This means: Epic battle between the polar bears/reindeers and the penguins with their mindless human zombies.

The only possible outcome is total death and destruction to every life force on the planet except for puppies because they are just too darn adorable to do any harm to. (Michael Vick will be sacrificed by the penguins early on).